Calming down

Life has been calming down since the last time I wrote. The horror stories haven't stopped coming, but I think I'm learning how to process things a little more. I don't even really know that that's true--I just know that I've been more aware of how I react to and process things here. It was easy to me before I wrote last to be aware and yet at the same time not really think about what my kids' home life was like (abuse, neglect, etc.). And yet after witnessing a few beatings, and a little corpse, I think the reality came crashing down on me.

Although certain episodes have really upset me, I have felt so sure of my work (well that's another story--let's just say I've never lost hope!) that it has been easy to keep on smiling and working and being hopeful. But I wonder how one does this kind of work long term. Making sense of things definitely can't be a strategy because it's seemingly impossible. Today I was talking to a young girl Johanny (just turned 15) about her new (parent approved) boyfriend (21). And yet I know this is life here, and I know that as much as we try to drill in their heads the value of an education, that it's a possibility that she will "marry" him in no time, leave school, and start a family. And so instead of frowning at her while she talks about how he's buena gente, I joke with her about how he better know how to cook and like doing dishes. Is that how you approach things? Should I just accept the things I cannot change (immediately, anyhow) and take things lightly? It makes me sick to think like that, but I've found that sometimes here that's the only thing I feel like I can (or have the right) to do. I haven't lost hope about opening these girls' minds to a different life than the one their mothers lead, but today (the same day this conversation with Johanny took place) I found out that one of OUR girls, Irene (13), got married. By OUR, I mean one of the girls who goes to school and comes to the teen homework help group every day. There are plenty of teens in the batey who don't go to school or come to us, but the ones who do we consider mas o menos on the right track. They all seem to have goals to graduate from high school and get good jobs (and many even to go to college). But in these past months, weeks, days, Irene has been saying all of this too. And now she's married. I don't know who she's married to, or how this all came to be, but I do know that most likely it's only a matter of time before she gets pregnant and leaves school.

Sometimes I feel like it's good enough if I can smile and listen to a woman or a child who has no one to listen to them--to help them take back their human dignity when their husbands or their parents don't afford them this. And yet when I see a girl like Irene, who seems to have her head screwed on right, get sucked into this cycle, I question whether we're changing anything at all. The work in the clinic seems to be more tangible--curing people's illnesses (sometimes) and keeping people healthy. And yet even as we help give people the health care that any person deserves, I sometimes question whether we're hurting them in the long-run by giving them handouts rather than helping them stand on their own two feet. I don't think it's true. The goal is to get these people healthy and well- (or better-) educated so that they can be empowered and independent. It's worked for some people. But then Irene gets married, or I see undercover cops arrest a man for drug sales as I'm letting the kids out of school, and I think: "Nothing has changed." I somehow continue to feel hopeful and motivated to do my job well, but the reality is that in 12 years little has changed. Maybe that's the mentality you have to have to do this job. That little will change, but that THAT'S what you're working for. That little.

So...I've given you very little substance. Let's see...well, I did turn 23. I was sick on my birthday, per usual, but the following weekend we went to the Aventura concert, which was great. I mean, because they play them non-stop here, and we were pretty far back, it kind of just felt like we were in the colmado (corner store--where they always play really loud music) with 50,000 other people but it was fun.

In other news, Melania found out the sex of her baby--it's a boy!! I'm actually not thrilled haha--I was really hoping for a girl for her. Her boys are pretty inquieto compared to her girl so I thought a girl would be a nice change of pace. Either way, it was a relief that, at 7 months, she actually got a sonograph, and that the baby seems to be healthy, if a little underweight. Early last week, Melania thought her water broke, but she wasn't having contractions and she didn't have money to go to the hospital, so she did nothing. I was so scared for her baby, considering how traumatic this pregnancy has been, but on Thursday the woman she cleans for gave her an advance on her pay to go and get a sonograph. She asked me to go with her and I was so thrilled. I think true friendships could get pretty complicated here, and some are pretty cynical about people wanting to take advantage of the volunteers (or at least getting us to buy them things). I know it's happened, but it's been so nice to not have that be the case with Melania and me. She wanted to pay for my ride, which I refused. But then she bought me a coconut. It was nice to know that she just wanted me (or somebody, anyways) there. And sitting in that waiting room (for three hours!) with a room full of other women (all alone i might add), I was happy that I could be with her. She found out that the baby's umbilical cord was choking him, and that if she had gone to the hospital that day they might have performed an emergency c-section. But miraculously (or not, I'm not really sure how these things work) the baby wiggled his way out of there and is shooting to come out at the end of April. Her name list is a little frightening (Vairo or Albero) but he's healthy for now and I'm grateful for that. She's still very depressed and in a miserable financial situation, but I think she's relieved that he's healthy. I'm praying for some kind of miracle to turn her situation around.

I'm also praying that all of you at home are happy and healthy. Missing you all!! :)